It is almost midpoint of the of year long fellowship program and end point of this calendar year. I have been reflecting quiet a bit the last few days. Well, to be honest neither this year nor the fellowship has gone as planned, may be because the fellowship was never a part of the plan, like falling in love – it just happened. Like they say “may it was meant to be”.
Unlike a relationship, the fellowship has a predetermined date of completion (sometimes I feel relationships also come with an expiry date) like a relationship the fellowship too expects you do to something which you are not that fond of but is necessary to keep the sanity and sanctity of the adult to adult relationship intact, so you end up investing your time and energy on the same. I do not belong to the genre of individuals who like to pen down their thoughts, emotions, reflections, experiences etc. I write only when it is necessary or my daily bread depends on it (if you consider funding proposals as writing). Needless to say writing blogs is something I do not really enjoy, may it is the only thing which the fellowship expects me to do which I do not enjoy. Sometimes you just cant write, there is nothing to reflect or you feel there is too much of routine stuff happening in your life which might be of little interest to someone else.
It has been a while since I wrote anything, and now I realize that unless I feel very passionately, I don’t have words. I wonder what people may want to know of that and I realized that I am very passionate about myself, what happens to me and whatever is mine, is of my utmost concern. There was a age and time in life where just could not take it if what I perceive as wrong happens but with age I have realized I need to make my own boundary in terms the battles I want to fight and concentrate on winning the war, but there is always a trade off and I wonder if their is some basis on which you could calculate the trade off. This is the eighth blog in last five months. It carries a lot of significance for me, as here by I complete one of the informal eligibility criteria of coming for the midpoint training. Yes, finally I will see the white blank turning into green in the virtual dashboard which keeps a track of the number of blogs a fellow writes. But I see the trade off that has happened. Most of the blogs that I have written were to meet the deadline yet some were about issues I feel passionately about or my reflections which I felt like sharing. I feel how rewarding your existence on earth is can be measured by how often you do things which you feel like doing rather than doing rather you should be doing in order to fit into a certain criteria or for survival of a relationship. Whenever this balance is broken the relationship goes for a toss. The training’s, workshop’s and chance to be part of cohort of 28 unique individuals definitely makes up for writing a blog.
(P.S- Dear Santa, This year please give me a big FAT bank account and a slim body. And please don’t mix those two up like you did last year. Kindly ensure the same, so that the coming year will go as planned)