I cried today. For nothing in particular, but there sure were a lot of things. I guess the honeymoon period of the fellowship is finally over for me and I’ve reached a saturation point. After 3 months of crazy traveling and shuffling between places I’d never even heard names of and am still finding hard to remember, I’m finally enjoying a pleasant and peaceful Sunday morning at the guest house of my organization in Sirohi, Rajasthan. Peaceful – only now that I’ve cried and let it all out. Woke up rather early for a Sunday morning – 7am precisely feeling gloomy. All I wanted to do was run back home, curl up next to mom and go back to sleep. I had absolutely no energy or enthusiasm to start the day. Made me wonder what exactly is it? The work? The place or the people? The fellowship on the whole? Or just homesickness – which can’t be because I spent a week-long vacation of sorts at home during Diwali 2 weeks back and enjoyed every second of it. So this, I’m guessing, is the after-effect of that. The moving out of your comfort zone wala feeling. Sure I was living out of my comfort zone ever since the fellowship started about 4 months back and it didn’t hurt, until now. When I went back home – to my beloved city and spent a week there doing what I love doing, eating what I want to, whenever I wanted to, wearing what I’m most comfortable in without being stared at!
I landed back in reality the moment I stepped out of the airport in Udaipur, boarded the bus to Sirohi and wrapped a dupatta around my neck to avoid unwanted attention. Sounds like I’m exaggerating? Trust me, I’m not!
I could go on and on about how uncomfortable everything here makes me feel. Right from strangers advising us sheheri girls to get married coz we’re done with our padhaai and it’s the right age, to the food, rather veggies floating in a pool of oil. From colleagues insisting on being called Firstname-Ji instead of Firstname Sir/Ma’am which I still haven’t got used to, to the uncertain nature of assignments in the organization, the extensive traveling it demands and of course the discomfort that it brings – of being stared at by creeps and the frustration that comes from not being able to fight back.
Is this what they mean when they say ‘life begins at the end of your comfort zone?’ Pff! Overthinking on a Sunday morning! How I wish I could spend some lone time at Marine Drive, stare infinitely at the horizon and let my chain of thoughts get interrupted by the honking of a traffic jam in the background. Ah! I miss the hustle-bustle of my city!
For now, I’m going to enjoy a bowl of hot Maggi. Happy Sunday, folks!